The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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