I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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