ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
