no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
