she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
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When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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