i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
