sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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