apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
