I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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