I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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