she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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