So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
