I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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