Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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