i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
