me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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