I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
