It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
