So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she peed on how many people?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
