Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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