Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
