NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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