dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
