I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
