this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
