Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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