Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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