Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
