I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
