brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
