Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
