I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
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