Moan for me like Helen Keller
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
