i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
