I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
no more duck duck goose at the bar
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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