my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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