I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
