Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
