There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
