I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
