she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
