There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
