you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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