woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
