Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
