someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
