I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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