New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
