I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i dont even know how to be here
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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