That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
