I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
