I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
