She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
