I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
you had me at cake vodka
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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