this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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