Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
