I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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