I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
