Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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