Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
