i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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