For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
