I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
