Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
