So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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